NONSENSUS

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

Reports regarding the disappearance of Stuart Farnsworth began filtering through as early as late July. There had been eye-witness accounts of his presence on the fringes of Maindee Festival, colluding with the locals in ascertaining their position on the Farnsworth Happiness Index (FHI). Daily reports filed by Farnsworth at this time indicate nothing extraordinary about his routine which was being conducted in strict accordance with his self-published pamphlet, Essential Safety for Fact-Finders, Flanuers and Cold-Callers.

Then, on July 26th, Farnsworth filed a report which aroused concerns among the community of casual observers. Instead of the clinical presentation of numbers, graphs and charts, Farnsworth presented his day’s findings as a series of smudges and smears, labelling each factual depiction as ‘anti-data’. When questioned about the day’s report, Farnsworth pinpointed two episodes which enlightened in him a condition he named as factulence, the factualisation of a non-reality brought about through a hyper-specific delirium and acute doorbell fatigue.

Mrs Irving of Harrow Road, who wished not to be named, said that when visited by Farnsworth on the day in question he had appeared bright and attentive and the encounter had been positive. However, when Farnsworth had returned the following week for a singing appraisal at the foot of Mrs Irving’s baby grand piano, he seemed absent and disengaged despite showing a good ear and pitch. Farnsworth’s own account of the meeting focused instead on his subject’s love of televised cricket, a “fierce flirtation flickering behind her cataracts” and his inability to stem the heavy flow of an “intangible sweat”.

In another incident Farnsworth was told by an unnamed dog owner that his animal “would have your face off”, causing Farnsworth to ask, “then why do you keep such a beast?” Farnsworth was chased from the man’s property beneath a volley of expletives and the encounter was depicted in multiple ‘scribble-graphs’ each with its own unique variable outcome or ‘data-scourge’. This was his last communique.

Former fact-finding facilitators identify Farnsworth’s behaviour and subsequent disappearance as typical, particularly in instances of badly-plotted fact-finding excursion technique. A fusion of ‘furry facts’ with ‘floppy facts’ can lead to a condition known as ‘data dripping’ or ‘going off-grid’. The condition is curable and many fact-finders return to their original zones of scrutiny, although with their data-faith greatly diminished.

The FFFF are treating the situation as serious but stress hopes of finding Farnsworth remain high. A small team of sub-contracted fact-finders are currently making door-to-door enquiries in their efforts to locate Farnsworth.

Anyone with any information concerning Stuart Farnsworth’s whereabouts should contact Maindee Library immediately.

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